My Bible

This stress can't be real...I just can't deal. Sad part about it all is that I kinda knew what I was getting myself into before it got to this point but I just didn't want to face the fact that I was actually alone & have been alone for sometime now, even when I was with the person I so called fell in love with/still love I was alone. Consciously I am stuck & even though
I will only be at this hardship for a minimum amount of time in my life it still feels like eternity. To be honest part of the reason I want to leave Massachusetts is because of love...not because I'm in it or moving towards it but because I cant bare to see my lost love in love with another. Selfish right...how can I wish someone the best but don't want them to be with someone that makes them happy because its not me. But I feel how I feel & it's just that, everyone has their selfish moments I'm just one that bluntly admits mine.
I know I'm suppose to be in this lovely relationship, but I'm with the person for all the wrong reasons, even though his qualities rank higher than any man I know and he is one of the finest man I know. Any girl would be honored to have what I have but honestly I don't want it. He is just not the man God had intended for me but I wonder if my want feels that I'm not the person God had chosen for him. I often feel like I have an obsession & any little attention i get from my "want" is a blessing in disguise or a sign, but again it can be be my mind playing tricks on me.
I don't feel as if I am leading my current boyfriend on because ultimately I treat him like a king. I would do anything he asks, because he desires it. When I'm with him it feels like we are playing house and that's the best feeling its just my heart is telling me he is not the right person to co-lead in this real life movie. It's weird because when I'm with him I don't feel this way & I play my part it's when I'm away from him & i reminisce about us that's when I feel the disconnect.