My Bible

This stress can't be real...I just can't deal. Sad part about it all is that I kinda knew what I was getting myself into before it got to this point but I just didn't want to face the fact that I was actually alone & have been alone for sometime now, even when I was with the person I so called fell in love with/still love I was alone. Consciously I am stuck & even though
I will only be at this hardship for a minimum amount of time in my life it still feels like eternity. To be honest part of the reason I want to leave Massachusetts is because of love...not because I'm in it or moving towards it but because I cant bare to see my lost love in love with another. Selfish right...how can I wish someone the best but don't want them to be with someone that makes them happy because its not me. But I feel how I feel & it's just that, everyone has their selfish moments I'm just one that bluntly admits mine.
I know I'm suppose to be in this lovely relationship, but I'm with the person for all the wrong reasons, even though his qualities rank higher than any man I know and he is one of the finest man I know. Any girl would be honored to have what I have but honestly I don't want it. He is just not the man God had intended for me but I wonder if my want feels that I'm not the person God had chosen for him. I often feel like I have an obsession & any little attention i get from my "want" is a blessing in disguise or a sign, but again it can be be my mind playing tricks on me.
I don't feel as if I am leading my current boyfriend on because ultimately I treat him like a king. I would do anything he asks, because he desires it. When I'm with him it feels like we are playing house and that's the best feeling its just my heart is telling me he is not the right person to co-lead in this real life movie. It's weird because when I'm with him I don't feel this way & I play my part it's when I'm away from him & i reminisce about us that's when I feel the disconnect.

I rehearsed it in my mind
What would I say if I ever seen you again,
Would I scurry around the corner like a pathetic vitim avoiding a bully
Would I solidify like a frightened child who had just got caught doing something she shouldnt had
I played it over and over in my head, repeatedly saying cut, do over, or back from scene one,
I sought for it to end like one of my favorite movies, Love & Basketball or Love Jone
Yeaaaa just like Love Jones, I loved that ending scene more,
It kinda connects with me....LOVE.....JONES
I would pretend and pose numerous questions I had always wanted to ask you,
And biasally I would answer them for you but all in my favor...
Several times I picked up the phone, but my fingers wouldn't dare dial.

WAIT....

I really dont understand this. I am like so confused, more confused then where you had left me before. I was doing so much better, I was actually doing great. Better than I had ever felt in life, and then you just had to make peace. Your maturity caught me off guard, and every feeling I ever had for you that was almost completely locked away came back, you contacting me caused my mind to tell my heart that there is hope. I know I am talking complete foolishness, but I cant help to be honest. I look back at the nothing that we had and my only question to myself is why would I ever want to go back. Lord knows I had over a million questions to utter to you but I didnt want to scare you off. Oh my I keep telling myself I have the greatest man beside me but why is it I keep looking back.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared.
Frightened about what tomorrow will bring
Afraid to lose another lost
Terrified of the honest truth
Fearful that I could never love again
Timid because all too often I sin again and again
Petrified that I won’t complete a task
Worried because goodness and greatness never last
Anxious cause all I do is dwell on the past
Nervous because life is just moving way too fast
Anyway I put it can’t I run away from the fact that I am just SCAREDDDDD

Dear Miles,(i wasnt going 2 put the name but its just so no1 assumes any1 else)
I constantly ask myself if I could go back and do it all over again, with you, would I, and the honest answer is I would. But our departure wasn’t a choice of I, so who is to say you would want to turn back the hands of time. Fore this is not a bashment and even if it were there are no unconstructive adjectives that can be associated to you. You wasn’t a liar, a cheater, or sadistic. In all actuality you were tolerant, beneficial and compassionate. Your all of what us women want, but the short of what us women get. I hate the concept “your lost” fore I am the one without. But then I reflect on the expression of “I love you” and if it were true, wouldn’t we still be together without a doubt. I gave all of what I could at the time, I wouldn’t say I was misunderstood, I just couldn’t let go of the hurt from others like I should. I understand why you left, our relationship was more than a mess. Restlessly in conflict, quarreling over things that made no sense, and to be honest I knew you weren’t content. It was only a matter of time before you soath liberation. How sad is that, that our relationship is compatible to a war. Something so profound as love, left one of us sore. (Me) The more I dwell on the past, this unsetting feeling climbs up to my heart, and what is suppose to be constantly beating is as solid as a rock. Am I easily forgotten or is it a matter of you needing your time and space. I remember once you said it was only “high school love,” but I took it as unlike lust and like, love is the highest of love. I wrote to you like I’m writing now, pouring out my heart. But since our love was war I can see who won and the crazy thing is you never fought. You said it wasn’t me and I will always have your heart, I’m sitting here wondering do you still live with that thought.

 Are the captured slaves who fell short during the trans-Atlantic trade buried under the oceans floors, or what if Christopher Columbus wasn’t a man willing to explore. How did the Mayan and Incas flourish without a trace? How is Haiti enslaved as the poorest of countries when in1791 they fought the French and eliminated slavery and became the first republic ruled by people of African descent. Am I the only one who sees that water as an executioner, because without the will to travel the so called deep blue everyone and everything will be the way God wanted it to be. They say 200million years ago we were all as one, called Pangaea. Then the drifting of plates due to the earth’s core brought about this poison called H20 that fenced us, making us a jigsaw. That’s horrific to me that same thing that separated us, is the route from place to place, and ultimately is the killer too.( ie Japan, Katrina,Bermuda Triangle). If we had a plug to pull we would be amazed of what the floors behold.     

Perfectly flawed, and been through it all. This ache is something that can’t be shook off, and everyday I’m confronted with billions of tribulations that just pisses me the FUCK off. Detached from the world like a single pearl buried under the ocean. Im going through a worldwind of emotion. Don’t I wish this world was a fairy tale and everything can excel with a drink of potion. This feeling is ludicrous, I wasn’t made for this and at the set of the sun and the rise of the moon I pray to the heavens to position me in a better mood. Hoodwinked to portray bliss in this world of trivia. I’m at my peek and I am nowhere near polished. Seemingly so everything I attain gets demolished. On this plane with no pilot, in suspense wondering if I’ll land safe. This obstruction is making me the innocent want to take plea instead of waiting for the trial, and even if I did my faint rest in the hands of others. Isn't that some shit my offense is my defense, and anyway you put it I have to do time….

Not only is fuckin me a treasure but knowing me is a gift. I am unlike any other, a rare breed if I do say so myself. I get the she must be a lesbian comments because I don’t  let the dudes hump my butt at the club, I don’t give the dudes at the mall my number after being referred to as the asian lookin one. I read the same inbox messages every day “Y are you single, Ur ex is a fool or you must be fucking with lames, I’m the real thing.”  Nevertheless I just ignore, I gave up on the notion. To me every nigga is rotten to the core. Their intention is the intent to rob my heart and leave it sore. Painfully aching from lust that I portray as love, wanted to feel that passion again. But instead of a dove I’m given a sick pigeon, dying to fly south again.
            I don’t want the money, not even the intimacy at this point. Just a pair of ears to hear my words and I promise to do the same. I never gave in to the saying that a relationship is 50/50 because  that’s a partnership and I want a loveship where I give my all with no questions asked and not wanting anything in return and likewise. You see I thought at a point in time I had what I wanted but the feelings weren’t mutual and I am still wanting. I’m still hurting  but he will never know that, and for that reason alone I know that the love wasn’t pure, more so I question was it love in the first place. I like it simple sorta how I like my coffee, a little sugar but whole lot of cream. I miss the forehead kisses and spending long days with a mate, just to set the tone and dream of him in night time. I miss just calling someone mine…
     I just cant settle for nothing because my last was great....to great for me.............