My Bible

I came to a point in my life 10 months ago where I just isolated myself from the world. I was at an all time low. I had become very suicidal for all the wrong reasons. I was tired of being let down, I was tired of failing. I was tired of crying. I was just simply tired. Help just seemed so farfetched, and I didn’t want to be judged. I lacked hope. I can’t believe I am even writing about this but I am just in the mood to write. I thought that if I killed myself how long would it take until they found my body. I saw deaf around me in large numbers. Every time I heard of someone dying I thought why it can’t be me. I thought to myself that I was insane even to this day I still do because deaf still remains. For some reason I can’t see me living past 30, even when I talk about my future I can’t speak of events that will occur after 30, I don’t know if it a sign or I am just being plain old weird, and when I do speak of it people always say get out of here with that negative shit. Honestly speaking it scares me.

When I was in my mom stomach she had got in a car accident which concluded in my coming out early because her stomach had hit the steering wheel. 2years later while waking up from a nap at my family’s house, I told everyone I had been here before. Strangely all the adults asked me what did I mean and I had told them that I had died in a car accident and came back to life, and explained the same exact accident my mother had got into, colors and everything. Even more strange to this day I still dream it but not with my mother but only me the same way I dreamt it at age 2.

I remember being in this class over the summer and my teacher had told me she use 2 work with kids that attempted suicide and how they would always have it planned out, who they wanted to find them, how they wanted to die. She said it got so overwhelming she had to quit, she said but a lot of people would tell her that it would be one thing that someone said to them that made them think twice and before my second attempt it was my friend Sandra.

I have wrote a letter to God that morning and she had read it but I didn’t know. She called me and was like Asia are you going to be home, I want to come over and tell you something. Me thinking it was a boy problem I said yes. So she said give me thirty mins, and she did come over. We went upstairs to my room and sat on my bed. She said Asia, Ericka and I started a new job today. She said and Ericka had told me to read something, so I did and it was a letter you wrote to God, She said on my first day at work I tried my best to hold back so many tears. I wanted to leave right away and just come see you. She said Asia I am your friend, not just someone who calls you to go out to the clubs with, not someone who just smokes with you, and i kno we are not close like that but I LOVE YOU. I wouldn’t know what to do if I lost you, and whatever your going through we will go through it together.

That’s it I am sleepy write more at a later time